King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Thursday, June 23

Guest Blogging

My mate JudgeT is too lazy to create his own *real* blog (moblog not being a real blog) so he asked if he could have a rant via my blog instead. This is what he's written. It's entertaining, just not as good as mine *cough* *cough*!

Picture if you will the following scenario...

All facts revealed during this story are actually true although the names of the dogs have been swapped to protect the postman (ie. Wrinkle is Tessa & vice versa).

Falling down laughing safety rules apply.

Certificate PG. If you are a minor, please go back above ground as reading in the dark is bad for your eyes. Oh, and put down that canary.


Ten days ago my bag was stolen from me whilst I was on the bus.

The Police, Bus Company, House Insurance and O2 Phone Insurance were all notified within 20 minutes.

The Police said 'Thank you, we'll look out for it.'.

The House Insurance said we'll send a locksmith around tonight - and they did. Well done Norwich Union. Shame the Policy ended 3 days later as I've moved my house insurance to Barclays who have halved the yearly rate. But at least they acted properly & I was covered.

The Bus Company said 'How did you get this number?' Well done First Cymru Buses South Wales. Impressive Customer Service as always.

Now this my friends is where the story gets interesting.....


O2 phone insurance said I would need to go into their shop in Swansea to pick up the new phone. I asked why, as it is a long way from home and I am currently carless (no, not Kahless - trekkie humour). Can they deliver it to me. They explained that it would be better to go to the store as I would need to fit the old sim & the store staff would assist.

I explained that I can fit a sim myself which is what I did when I had my wife's Nokia in the post, but I understood the complexity of this occasion due to the fact that I hadn't had a chance to apprehend the thief, negotiate the release of the old sim, then allow the thief to leave with the phone (an XDA II type).

My arms, stunted as they are will not reach said thief in order to retrieve the old sim now as - A) I don't know who he/she is, B) I don't know where they live, and C) I would feel technically unable to resist knocking the thief's head off if I ever met them, thus I would be put in a prosecutable position from the Police's perspective, who were, at any rate, all searching Swansea for the phone diligently using the latest crime fighting equipment available (that shiny new Land Rover Discovery).

O2 said they would deliver the phone. It would be a shiny new XDA IIi.

I was a happy bunny & Wrinkle & Tessa knew it.

The very next day, on cue, a nice new City Link van arrived and the driver, remembering his ninja training in japan, donned the mask & felt shoes, crept silently up the path after negotiating the squeaky gate & slipped a 'Sorry we missed you' card into the door.

When I awoke from the sofa barely 2 metres from the door, I rang the depot to congratulate them on the deftness with which the card was delivered, and that although I was immensely proud of this shiny item and had put it on display in my 'Sorry we missed you' card display cabinet, I would appreciate the actual phone.

The next day it arrived. I love City Link.

After just under a week, the phone developed a fault & started to vibrate for about five minutes for no apparent reason on a regular basis.

I considered swapping phones with my wife as I was sure she would enjoy this new feature, but relented as I realised that the batteries would soon run down and all my contact data would be lost as this is stored in RAM memory.

I rang O2. After an entertaining conversation at various volumes, I was told to go to the store. I explained this was not convenient. Then O2 informed me that I would need to post the phone to them for repair. I explained that perhaps that would not be a positive step into the satin sheets of enlightenment that are happy Customers as A) it would leave me momentarily with no phone and B) under the terms & conditions of my O2 phone insurance policy I was actually entitled to a replacement working phone rather than a dodgy repaired market knock-off.

This prompted the response that all phones in this situation have to go for repair, followed by my rapid response 'How old does a phone have to be to go for the repair rather than have a replacement if I buy it from your shop?'. Answer came quickly as '2 weeks', followed by my natty rebuff 'Suck eggs it's only 1 week old, & whilst they are being devoured deliver me a new one.'.

Okay. New phone coming soon - I'm reasonably happy again & no great shakes as I'd really only spent half a day inputting my data into the present Parkinsons sufferer.

I awaited with baited breath the delivery handover as promised the next day wherefore I would recieve the phone, remove it from the box, put my sim in it and then return it to the box & hand it back to the local ninja.

The day passed uneventfully. I went to work to do a night shift so that I could pay for this service.

So having been awake for a day and a night, I got home the next day and fell into a deep sleep for 2 hours dreaming of training in Japan for van driving.

After my rather brief slumber (the training apparently only takes 2 hours max), I rang my old friends at O2. I wonder if it being called O2 means they're getting a little too much oxygen? But...I digress.

They checked the system & I was assured that the new phone would be with me by 17:30. I was so impressed that they could arrange it that quickly.

By 15:00, faith flagging, I rang them again. Spoke to Steven who rang around their insurance department (M.A.R.S.H. - presumably named after a bog) and he assured me the phone would be here within the hour. Whoopee!

At 17:30 I rang again & they said the phone wasn't on order & would be redespatched within the next few days. The despatch order had been cancelled as the insurance department had not included an instruction to the deaspatcher giving a reason for why I was having the phone.

As you will imagine. I went all 8 shades of apopaleptic and all the rabbits & squirrels in the nearby woods ran for cover.

Imagine my surprise when informed that the despatcher (citylink ninja barracks) was now closed. I requested a 17:30 delivery the next day. Not 09:00, not 12:00, not 16:00. I want it at 17:30. Windows of delivery time no longer apply as they have had 2 and stuffed up both. They said they would do their best to arrange it for me in the morning when ninja wakes up.

I went to work to do a nightshift. Again. Thats 48 hours with 3 hours sleep.

Got home. Rang O2. Is it all arranged? They put me through to their insurance department. They promptly said 'We'll put you through to the courier shipping manager.'. I asked if they really wanted me to speak to their delivery supplier with whom I have no authority & would probably not get what I wanted & I would then inevitably ring back O2 unhappy again. She said 'Yes.'. I said 'Okay.'.

Got the despatch manager. 'Yes, it'll definately be with you today, a pm delivery, we'll give the driver your home telephone number & request late pm.'.
Okay. Good. That's coming then innit. Late pm. Phone call finished at 10:05. Went to sleep on the sofa 2 metres from the front door with phone next to head, everything in house silent & I live in a very quiet street.

Woke at 13:00. 'Sorry we missed you' note through the door with 10:45 written on it. Damn. Ninja's done it again. Rang City Link ninja barracks and got 'We'll try our best, but he may not answer his phone & can't ring your number as his phone doesn't make outgoing calls (interesting, I think, so you trust them with my goods, but not enough to believe they won't defraud you by using the company phone to ring friends). Rang depot again later. The phone will be with you sometime tomorrow.

Rang O2. Thanks for nothing guys. I explained to the very young sounding Lisa the whole story. She's very polite. I'm fairly polite although the terms 'sun don't shine' & 'I'll tear you a new one' did cross my mind. But I kept it nice. Lisa said 'I'll ring you back'. Yeah right. She did. She asked my front door colour & I was so tired I said I'll go check. It's still white UPVC.

Methinks some action may be afoot. Sitting here waiting now as I write this. Clocks ticking.......tick.......tick........listening for tiny footsteps.....tick.....
Or in the immortal words of the fresh prince 'tick tick tick tick boom' (that's me - the boom bit).


Sorry if I've waxed lyrical, but my lyre & other musical instruments badly needed waxing.


Lisa just rang. At least someone seems to care. Phone due tomorrow anytime. Working a night shift tonight. Ho hum. we'll see what happens. O2 I'll be coming after you for at least 6 months free contract for this. Get ready with your excuses for your ISO9002 assessor & offtel if I get any arguments.

How's that for a true story?