Worst joke evah...

I was chatting to Sharon the other night. He let slip he's been to his GP about an operation.
"What operation?" I ask.
"They've finally come up with a way to make me taller," he tells me.
"Really? Blemmeh," I say.
"Yeah, the problem is loads of people are applying for it. So they put me on a shortlist."

Yes. Isn't it.

Drink driving

I don't drink and drive. Apart from the punishment of being banned, being socially unacceptable, being stupid and being selfish, it's also just not necessary. I admit I'll have a pint when I first get somewhere if I'm eating, or if I'm going to be there a while, but apart from that I certainly won't have more then one. I drink what I call my 'funny' shandy, with soda water instead of lemonade, and whilst it's not brilliant tasting, it's a lot better the bitter pill I'd have to swallow if I killed someone.
At the weekend a young lady called Lowri Evans was killed just up the road from here.

This was passing by the site of the accident a couple of days later. The driver had lost control on the bend, and had collided with a tree. Poor Lowri had to be cut out of the wreckage, but was DOA at the hospital. Her mate, in the back, was also critical. The driver, a local character called "Chancy", walked away. Into the waiting arms of the Police, where he was arrested.
Now, call me heartless, but whilst it's terribly tragic what happened to Lowri, a few things could have been done to save her life. First of all, this idiot driver shouldn't have been drinking. I suspect they'd been to a local pub called the Copper Beech, which has live music on the weekends and stays open late. The problem is the pub isn't exactly near to anything, so the only real choice to get there is to drive. The bar staff could have asked who the designated driver was, and stopped serving him. I know this was a simple thing that can be overcome, but maybe people would stop drinking then. If one person is saved by this simple method then it would have worked. More importantly, Lowri should have not got into the car with him after seeing that he'd had more then was sensible to drink. The problem was it's a long walk home, and taxi companies in the area are a joke, so that wouldn't have been an option for her either. Maybe the bus company opposite where the accident happened could be hired for the close of business by the pub at a vastly reduced rate, and drop the punters back in the main town centre. So many maybes, so little actually done.
If someone is convicted of drink driving, they should take the money from any fines, and use it to subsidise the cost of low alcohol drinks like Kaliber or Becks' latest. I don't like too much coke/lemonade/orange juice, and the fact that if you are to stay alcohol free means you must overload on sugar is wrong. It's for this reason people drink in the first place, because a pint of LA can cost 50% more then a normal pint, and soft drinks just don't do it.
Meanwhile, the whole community is reeling at the death of another young life, facebook has a group 'in memory of' and the papers are dwelling on what could have been. But no one looks at the bigger picture. No one except me.

In the land of the Thunderbirds puppet...

Gerry Anderson became a world recognised person overnight when in the 1960s he created this truly groundbreaking series. The adventures of the Tracy family and their high tech approach to sorting problems became a basis for many boy's imaginations, and over 40 years later, still does.
The interesting thing is that he went on to do so many similar series. Milking the format as much as he possibly could, he produced Captain Scarlet and Joe 90 before venturing into the realm of live action with programmes like UFO and my all time Saturday morning favourite Space 1999. In the 80s he returned to his marionettes and produced Terrahawks, a truly dreadful series only picked up by the voice of Windsor Davies as a sergeant major.
By 1987 he was looking to retire, and so he produced his last series designed to take the mickey out of everything he'd ever done. Dick Spanner was the result, and follows a private detective in a parallel universe. It was based loosely on the writings of Raymond Chandler, and more specifically was like Sam Spade. Each episode was only 6 minutes long, and was only ever played once on TV midway through a Sunday magazine show for teenagers called Network 7. Trust me when I say 6 minutes is enough. I'll explain why.
I treated myself to the DVD last week, to jolly myself up a bit. The DVD has only just been released and is every bit as good as I remember it. Whilst stop motion animation has been done better (step forward Mr. Park), the scripts are, well to keep it understated, daft. The locations are really cheaply made. The gags are quick and constant. You can watch this week's video and see what I mean. You get an idea of what it's about in the first 2 seconds, when a scene similar to the opening scene of Star Wars shows a space ship with a "Caution Long Vehicle" sign on it. My favourite is the neon sign in the background with "Save Electricity" written on it, but watch out for the "raining cats and dogs" gag and the "The two of them spelt trouble" gag.

Enjoy.

Brain strain

OK, hand up who's brain is in gear? Here's the answer to last week's Truth/Lie question.

There are 6 possible states for the order of the men: TRL, TLR, LTR, LRT, RTL, RLT, where T=truth teller, R=Random and L=Liar.

There are 8 possible combinations of anwers for questions: TTT, TTL, TLT, TLL, LTT, LTL, LLT, LLL, where T=Truth and L=Lie

Ask #1 if L is standing on R's right arm (our left if they are facing us).
The answer gives you a split in the order they are standing:
If YES, then it has to be T telling the truth, L telling a lie, or one of R's worthless answers, so: TLR, LTR, or RTL, RLT.
If NO, then it has to be T telling the truth, L telling a lie, or R and his worthless answers, so: TRL, LRT, or RTL, RLT.

Now we know, based on the answer to #1 where to avoid R's worthless answers. We now ask T or L "Is T in the lineup?" If answer 1 was Yes, we ask person 2, if it was no we ask person 3.

The answer now will give us some more info. If it's Yes, it's T answering the truth, if it's no, it's L answering a lie. So based on who we asked, we now know:

Yes, Yes: Has to be LTR, or RTL
Yes, No: TLR, RLT
No, Yes: LRT, RLT
No, No: TRL, RTL

Now any question separating the two possiblities works - just make sure you are avoiding R's worthless answers.

For example:
Yes, Yes - ask #2 if #1 is L. (We know #2 is T and will tell the truth) - Yes = LTR, No = RTL
Yes, No, - ask #2 if #1 is T. ( We know #2 is L and will tell a lie) - Yes = RLT, No = TLR
No, Yes - ask # 3 if #1 is L. (We know #3 is T and will tell the truth) - Yes = LRT, No = RLT
No, No, - ask #3 if #1 is T. (We know #3 is L and will tell a lie) - Yes = RTL, No = TRL

I think I'll give you a respite this week, so how about something a bit simpler?

We all know some latin. A good example is with numbers. We know Uni means one, dual means two, and tri means three. So, I'm going to give you some things that need words for them. I'll give 2 examples first...

• Billion = Million² or ^ 2 , Trillion = Million³ or ^ 3. So what is a million ^ 7?
• A triangle has 3 sides, a Pentagon has 5 sides. What would a 23 sided object be called?
• Binary is base 2, Decimal is base 10. What is base 32? (*ack*)
• United means as one. What about if it's split in two?
  
• A Bicycle has 2 wheels, a Trike has 3 wheels. What would a 4 wheeled bike be called?

eBay (and other auction sites)

I've been shopping a lot recently on this well known auction site, and I think it's time for a beginner's guide to eBay...

• Search - Find loads of badly spelt items in categories they really shouldn't be in.
• UK eBay only - as long as Hong Kong and Japan are in the UK
• Postage and Packing uncluded - Sent by Jeff and his white van. Don't expect it to get there in one piece.
• One careful owner - (especially with cars) done 10 times what's expected of it, and it really is on it's last legs.
• Slight damage - F**ked.
• Sold as seen - F**ked.
• Untested - F**ked.
• Microsoft - F**ked.
• Check out my feedback - I got all my mates to leave good feedback.
  
• Check out my eBay shop - Because I'm too tight to pay for a real website, with merchant services.
• Pay easily and quickly with PayPal - give us more money in the way of fees.
  

A sad day...

Yes, I'm afraid Bertie and I are history. She is very special to me, and has a huge chunk of my heart, but I feel that we just have no further to go. I'm not going to sit here and list our good points, and I'm also not going to write down every bad thing, because it would a) be biased and b) be upsetting for both of us. I do however know that Bertie will read this, and I'd like to say that we'll always be good friends.

That is all.

The Best Windows Command, evah

So, the kids are fighting over the pc upstairs. "Dad, tell him, he's hogging it. He's been on there for hours"
You reply with "Let your sister on or the PC goes off."
Your son then replies "but Dad, I've only been on it 5 minutes. She's lying"
"Am not," comes a voice.
"OK then," you decide, "the PC goes off."

For years I've wanted a way to control how long John's on the PC. The rules are 1 hour on a school night, 2 hours on a weekend. That might sound harsh, but when he can do that, I'm happy for him to use it more, as and when he needs to. There are a few programs out there, not free, that allow you to control your kids. I was thinking about writing one when I thought I'd have a play with the windows command "shutdown." In the example above, I could just type "shutdown -m //john -t10" and it would shutdown in 10 seconds, much to his dismay. I have now included the line "shutdown -t3600" into his startup group, so he gets an hour when he first turns on the pc. Yes, he can just reboot, but he hasn't found that out yet. He also hasn't found out that he can just type "shutdown -a" to abort it, but in the meantime he's getting his playing on the pc tempered.

Jim Tavare

I first saw this comedian back in the annuls of time, probably about 1993. His tall lumbering frame walks on to the stage with a full double bass, and does a short comedy piece that involves all sorts of gags around use of the double bass. The thing is he's a very accomplished musician, and much like Harry Hill, he reached the pinnacle of his career quickly only to become disillusioned and realise that life needs more laughter.
He went on to be one of the main members of a TV show called the Sketch Show, and again showed how his deadpan humour was unsurpassed. My father will always go on about how having swearing doesn't make it funny, which I do sort of agree with. Some people add swearing to make their acts funny, which just isn't the case. Lee Evans is one of my favourite comedians, but he doesn't need to swear in his act to be funny. Whereas Billy Connelly also has a potty mouth, but you don't seem to notice it when watching him, between the tears of laughter. Jim Tavare doesn't need to swear, just being good wholesome clean fun. Apologies for the quality of this week's video, but his stage acts on the interwebs are quite few and far between, and this is one of the ones that shows his true talent.
Enjoy.

Let's get quizzical

First, and most importantly for BLS, the answer to last week's teasers...

What have the letters I, K, L, V, W, X, Y and Z all got in common?

Congrats to Tracy for this one, she spotted it straight away that they're all made of straight lines. What about A and F I hear you cry? Well a and f aren't made of straight lines.

What have the letters C, K, O, P, S, U, V, W, X and Z all got in common?

You're going to hate me. The letters look the same whether they're capitals or lower case. No, really, they are. Maybe a little smaller. Maybe slightly out of proportion. But the same.

So, to this week's brain exercise. (OK, if your brain hurt last week...)

There is a man who always tells the truth teller, a man who always lies, and one that sometimes answers truthfully and sometimes lies. Each man knows who is who. You may ask three yes or no questions to determine who is who. Each time you ask a question, it must only be directed to one of the men (of your choice). You may ask the same question more than once, but of course it will count towards your total.
What are your questions and to whom will you ask them?

hehe, get commenting.

The beginner's guide to Restaurants

About to go out for a meal? Fancy a quick bite at the local fast food emporium, or an evening of thoroughly pleasant company (Bertie) whilst enjoying culinary heaven? Here is your guide to the blurb on restaurants, and what they really mean.

• Child friendly - An addition on the menu to include burgers/fishfingers/chicken nuggets, but in miniscule portion sizes.
• Prepared by a top London chef - Once worked at Streatham McDonalds
• Vegetarian option available - Omelette
• Service is not included - So don't expect a smile for free pal.
• Home made - Made by the chef in huge bulk, and frozen for months at a time.
• Catch of the day - Catch of a day in the middle of last week.
• Tender/Juicy - As opposed to chewy or dried out.
• Coq au van/Duck a l'orange - Something really plain and boring made to sound exotic by being French. What next? "Beuf de le Calais?"
  

It seemed like a good idea...

... the bird table in my front garden. The sweet sound of chirruping sparrows, as they chat to each other merrily whilst noshing down on the brekkie has to be the most therapeutic sound. The knowledge that wild birds could turn up at my table and feed for free is it's own reward, and a truly wonderful thing.
Yeah, right.
3-fucking-30 they started this morning.
"Oi, Al!" (or should that be owl?) "you coming out for a bite?" one sparrow (I've been assured by Bertie they're sparrows) yells from the gutter by my open bedroom window.
"Be there now Burt!" says another, also on the gutter but this time the other side of my window. "I'll just get the wife and kids up."
"But Dad, we don't want to go and eat this early."
"Don't be ungrateful. The nice human put the food out for us, we should take him up on his offer."
Now that was bearable, just. Now it's crows. Fahsands of 'em. Admittedly, the sparrows are the equivalent of the Germans on holiday. Up early, fed and watered, and quiet by about 5. The crows are the equivalent of a loud mob of English blokes on a stag weekend. They start about 7, and are still going as I type this. They're hogging the table, pushing off any Germans sparrows that want a mid morning snack. Later this afternoon, the Magpies get in on the act. The Magpies are the equiavlent of the Yanks.
"'Ere, Ethel, get a load of this quaint English eatery. It says it's all you can eat. I shall see how much I can eat."
Cue me, back out with fat balls (not mine, the ones you buy in pet shops) and bags of bird seed, restocking, following the fat bastard Magpie who's just eaten his fill. So much so in fact he can barely take off.
Just in time for the Germans sparrows to return.

Sandals

This is not a nasty post, nor a nag, just a funny story.
Bertie got me some sandals. Now I hate sandals. The last time I wore sandals was about 1979, when I moved from infant school to the junior school, and all the stigma that goes with that is still the case. Now admittedly, I can see the function of sandals. As a bonefide member of the 'bovver boot' brigade, my feet should get really warm. But they don't any more then in the height of the winter, being the size they are means they act like very efficient radiators. Now that heat needs to escape, and I find that normally it does perfectly well, so I've never actually bothered with sandals.

Now, I'm sure you'll agree, the picture above looks like a very nice pair of sandals. I certainly do, but a nagging little voice says "Don't start liking them Rik, it's a slippery slope down from there." I have to agree.

White socks? Where does it end?

Argh!
So, I won't take the first step. The problem was I told this to Bertie. I didn't want to wear them, and that was that. Bertie just couldn't understand why though, and fair play, she did her best to persuade me.
"Your feet will be so hot, try them on."
"No, I don't like them"
"Yes, but you haven't even tried them on."
"No, because I don't want to."
"But how can you not like them until you've tried them on."
*tries sandals on*
"No, I don't like them still."
"But think how good it would be if you wore them"
"Not good at all."
"You don't have to wear them with socks."
"I don't have to wear them at all."
"So that's a no then?"
"Yes."
"Yes you will wear them?"
"No. Yes I won't wear them."
Call me a callous ungrateful bastard (sorry Dad *cough*), but I won't wear them. She got the message and we were both laughing about it afterwards.
I mean, what's next? A hat? A highly slung camera bag? Knee length shorts?

Stephen Wiltshire

Autism, as I'm sure our friend Ricardipus will concur, is an interesting condition. Made famous in the 1987 film Rainman, it highlighted how a person can live in a shell. The world is seen from deep inside, and any change to that view is distressing and sudden. A child with autism can be quiet and happy, then suddenly find they're incredibly upset and with no foreseeable reason.
But, for some strange reason, the brain is completely rewired. With a lot of people with Autism, the term Savant comes into play. Made famous, again by Rainman, this highlights how the brain is rewired, sometimes with incredible effect. Be it musical skill, or the ability to complete complex mathematics, or in the case of this week's video, artistic levels that will have your chin on the floor as you're wowed by this young man.
Stephen Wiltshire was first highlighted to us in 1987, aged 11, on a BBC programme called Q.E.D. He was highlighted in newspapers, following where he sat and watched St Pancras Station for half an hour, and when he returned to class he did the most detailed drawing, showing every window, every doorway, every little detail. He went on to leave school and set up his own gallery, and sells his drawings on the internet here. He still has a severe mental disability, which this week's video highlights when he's talking (interestingly, his first ever word was "paper"), but his talent for being a "human camera" is unsurpassed. Watch this week's video, and you'll see him survey an aerial view of Rome for 45 minutes, before putting it to paper 15 feet wide. Then, when they mention that it takes him 3 days, he explains that if he had more time, it would be more detail (!). It makes you wonder what he sees, does he see the image and copy it to the paper, or does he see the image on the paper, and he just traces it? All in all, it's amazing.
Enjoy.

Alphabetti Spaghetti

Here's a couple of alphabet related questions for you... (Bertie already knows one of these, so she can't reply.)

What have the letters I, K, L, V, W, X, Y and Z all got in common?

And secondly, a really nasty one.

What have the letters C, K, O, P, S, U, V, W, X and Z all got in common?