King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Wednesday, October 12

Hurricane Shazza hit in the early hours of Monday.

Epicentre: Basildon,Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'faaackinell'.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5, said, "Jesus! It was a well big shock, d'ya know what I mean? Me lil' Chardonnay-Mercedes come runnin into me bedroom cryin. Me youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm, slept froo it all, d’ya knarr what I min? I was still shakin when I wooz watchin Trisha the next morning. Ya know what I mean dontcha?" Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include:

  • Louis Vuitton or Burberry baseball caps
  • Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
  • Shell suits (female)
  • White sport socks
  • Rockport boots
  • Any other items usually sold in Primark.
  • Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

  • Microwave meals
  • Oven chips
  • Chicken Dippers
  • Tins of baked beans
  • Ice cream
  • Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
  • 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
  • Chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks, enough for a family of 9.
  • £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcopop.
"Where are you bleeding from, young lady?" they asked - "Romford, mate" said the girl, "Wossat gotta do wiv it?"