Apparently, one of the first things I ever heard was the question “Do you want a bun?” My sister is exactly 2 years and 12 days older then me, and when I was born, that was her first question to me. Then the realisation that I didn’t want to play with her, she set about a dastardly plan into action. She was going to fulfil her obligation as the older child to make my formative years hell, and she was going to do it with style and panache. Quickly she discovered that poking me in the eye would make me cry, and if caught, she’d be punished. She didn’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to realise she could use this new found power, Barratt Homes would have realised it. She also found her new found younger brother was quieter then most, and she could tell him to be quiet whilst he was crying, and he’d promptly shut up.
Less then a year later, and they are both playing in the garden. The conversation must have been something like this…
“Here, put your finger in here, and see if it hurts.”
Creeeeeeek, as she shut the sun lounger hinge onto my finger, causing much squirty blood all over the lawn. She swore blind to my Dad that she didn’t know my finger was there, but apparently he’d seen the whole episode from the bedroom window. Aha! The truth will out.
Within the year, the new found ability to see what kind of pain her younger sibling could take, she pushed the boat out in a truly remarkable level of evilness.
“Here, is the fire hot in the middle?” she asked me with wide innocent eyes.
2 years old, and with my finger poked through the hearth plate, it hurt. I started to cry, and she told me to be quiet or I’d get into trouble. Guess what I did. I fell silent. Apparently my mother was alerted by the fresh smell of cooked pork, but my sister just sat there watching the TV like she didn’t even know I was doing something so monumentally stupid.
I swore revenge. I must have been about 5 when with my new bike, I would hurtle down the backgarden path and into her bike lying in the corner of the garden. This was good, as I beat the crap out of her little golden Raleigh. Right up until the moment in fact that I hit her front tyre, bounced, lost control of my newfound balancing skill, and toppled gently sideways off the bike.
Onto the garden wall.
More specifically, onto the corner of the garden wall, with my forehead. Blood literally poured from the aerated opening, and my sister, hearing the screams, came to my aid with a glass. She held the glass to my head to stop the blood dripping on the floor, and I genuinely believe she had the idea of tipping my head back to pour the blood back in. Dejected, I had to come up with something a little smarter that would offer no risk to me, huge risk to her, and in the event of failure, deniability. All the neighbourhood friends were around to play on our swing in the backgarden. The game was to have one person swinging fully, and then the others were to run across in front of the swing when given the all clear. My sister came to the front, and before the ‘guardian’ of the swing had a chance to say anything, I shouted “now” and watched with glee as my neighbour Guy caught her squarely in the mouth. Teeth, blood and I’m sure a bit of Guy’s shin, could be seen heading down the garden. But did my sister learn? Oh no, she just upped the pace a little more.
A few years later, and she made a rather sordid discovery. Her younger brother was very alert whilst he’s asleep. In fact, she could hold a conversation with me, and I’d reply, honestly and truthfully. She knew all about my sexual preferences (oh no, there was no holding her back), girls I fancied at school, where any money I had was stashed, anything. I couldn’t work out how she knew all this, but she would repeatedly surprise me by mentioning things I didn’t think I’d told anyone!
Unfortunately, as we got older, something happened that would change the war and bring an uneasy peace to our hostilities. Her best friend was murdered, and now she needed her family more then ever to lean on. Of course, we were all there for her.
Albeit with scarred fingers, burnt hands and missing teeth.
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8 months ago