Wales is a small socialist country next to England composed entirely of sheep, rain, dragons, druids and hobbits. Its capital is Cardiff, which looks good on the outside but belies an interior so decrepit that Glasgow sometimes fears for its position as the 2nd most miserable place to live in Britain. The Welsh actually discovered America in 1170, which explains a lot. Not to mention a fucking shitload of Polish over-populating.
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History & Culture
The culture of Wales consists of a staple diet of coal, coal, beer, hating the English, valium, coal and corgis. The national food is the humble leek, although your typical Welshman is more likely to be found eating Welsh cakes. This substance is only marginally less indestructible than diamond, and about as edible. Wales has no famous musicians apart from a supposedly hilarious, rap-parodying band called Goldie Lookin' Chain, who are failing tryhards, and Tom Jones.
Wales actually has a load of history, the only problem being it was all written in Welsh and nobody gives a shit enough to translate it. What of Welsh history that is known largely consists of druids, stone circles, and more druids. King Arthur supposedly came from Wales but they're probably making that up. Long ago, Southern Irish people came to Wales one day after being washed up from being drunk, introduced Guinness to the natives and left turkey-pasters on the ground. This is sacred to the Welsh and the only way they procreate is by filling them with sperm and planting it in vaginas as most males are homosexual, similarly to England.
At least 100 years ago Wales became a communist country led by mining revolutionary Stalin, in his dreams of domination. Wales is today ruled in the council Communist style with an assembly of ministers led by current Czar Alan Cox. The problem is that this government is in denial that Wales is actually part of England and only have built a few shitty modern art statues in Cardiff rather than doing anything as a result (at least that is their excuse). In Wales Microsoft is banned and all computers use Linux, setting Welsh technology back by 50 years.
However, although officially Communist according to the Stalin government who no one gives a fuck about, Wales is in fact the richest part of the United Kingdom due to the economical reliance on Catherine Zeta Jones and Welsh travel books as a source of income. Welsh people often visit England and Scotland in horse driven carriages and mock the poor drug-dealers there, through being attacked by them the Welsh have resorted to dressing up in drag on Saint David's Day to make them run away in terror. Popular in the Welsh lowlands are "bards", gun-slinging outlaws that were the popular target of movies by Ancient British film-makers. They inspired the modern American Cowboy.
The Welsh also love rugby, but only because it's the closest thing to war. And you can hug men.
Religion
The Welsh believe they have strong roots to the indigenous Celtic people who inhabited their country a long time ago and therefore mostly profess Paganism, in which they worship the great sheep god. They avoid Christianity due to it being the official religion of England. However, Wales' official religion is in fact Buddhism due to the high population of immigrant Chinese, who peddle their fine, brand of soggy Chinese "food" on the Welsh
Animal Husbandry
Many people in Wales are allegedly the descendants of sheep, this is widely known due to the many cases of sheep shagging seen by tourists on unwitting trips to this wasteland. Their harsh language is also slightly accredited to this as sheep aren't accustomed to speaking English. The Welsh argue that there are a number of advantages to sheep shagging, including:
- The wool provides good cushion for the pushin'
- Take them to edges of cliffs and they push back harder
- You don't have to make sure the sheep is 'pleasured' after you 'blow your load', though many Welshmen choose to ignore this.
On the downside, according to Welshmen, the growth in sheep shagging activity in the past few years has seen a 43% growth in recorded instances of 'Pooey Shlongs', which have left many a Welshman with a nasty taste in his mouth in the pub afterwards.
Wales is also home to the most stupidly named town in the history of the world. It is called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, which translates to some mushy thing about churches and trees.
It is a well-known fact that Wales has been subject to many attempts by the English to blow up the border and watch the country float off into the Atlantic, where it will sink. Offa's Dyke was an early attempt at perforating the Welsh border so that the principality could be conveniently torn off.
This defensive strike was later repeated at least 100 years ago by the people from the Wirral who dug out a moat (or in Welsh, the Dee estuary). This reduced attacks on livestock so well that they then added another moat (Merci estuary, which was later bastardised to Mersey estuary by the illiterate Scousers of Liverpool). This lead to the old English proverb: ‘Safe as a sheep on the Wirral.’
Geography
No one knows where the fuck Wales actually is, including the Welsh themselves. Some speculate it is accessible through a wardrobe in England, but common sense dictates this is impossible because English people cannot afford enough clothes to own one.
Furries regard this land as Heaven in their fucked up religion because it has a dragon on the flag, and the fact there any many mountains to carry out sensual love-making to cute, cuddly animals peacefully. This is because Wales is Communist and and as such, Welsh people are rather fond of fucking anything with fur or scales. However it is a misnomer that furries are worshiped as gods there as this is a temporary stage before the Welsh natives boil them alive and consume the corpse. Unlike the inhabitants of Aynglaynd, Scaahtlaynd and Iairelaynd, no Welsh person ever set foot in America so an American is likely to assume you are referring to a large sea mammal.
Language
Welsh is a dying language, despite what any dribbling patriots may insist. This is because:
- The vocabulary is too close to French for most people's comfort
- Speaking Welsh sounds like you have a throat full of phlegm and spit, which puts people off, and
- DO NOT WANT.
Most Welsh speakers use English in everyday conversation, until a Saes comes within earshot - at which point they start swearing about the interloper in their native tongue. In contrast, most English-only speaking Welshmen try to fuck the nearest English or American person possible in the misguided hope of getting riches and moving to a big mansion as far away from Wales as possible. To date, Catherine Zeta Jones is the only successful example.
The Welsh also have a nasty habit of putting two Ds on the end of everything, making it impossible to pronounce. I have also found that, as everyone apparently knows, Welsh "dd" is pronounced ð. How the fuck do you pronounce that?
The Welsh language was created at least 100 years ago by a French man named Hairmoanious Bosch. He took all of the unwanted parts of every other language (This is why there are not as many gerunds and participles) and stuck them together in a crude language that does not measure up to Wales' previous language, Turkish.
People from Wales are often confused with Pikeys do the similar behaviour.
Lady Diana Princess of Wales
Princess Diana, was Princess of Wales before she embarked on a new career of shagging rag heads. She was born in England, not Wales, which was a bit like Barbara Bush becoming Queen of Mexico.
Ok, now pay attention, following Welsh history is serious business, mainly because you cant read any of the names, and most of it is TL;DR
Llywelyn the Last, (pretty perceptive naming there by your mom) was shagging Eleanor de Monfort(the daughter of Simon de Monfort, a rich bastard who lived in Leicester). This was a fucking long way to drive just for a shag, but the matter was settled when he got her up the duff, and they had to make a sharp visit to Worcester Registry Office in 1278.
Eleanor died in childbirth (causing much lulz to Edward I), and the little girl, Gwenllian, therefore became the last true born Princess of Wales. Her Father was killed near Irfon Bridge on 11 December 1282, causing even more lulz.
Edward I failed and couldn't bring himself to kill her, which was a pity, since he could have made the first snuff movie 600 years before anyone else AND not have been prosecuted for it, so he gave the baby to Gilbert of Sempringham, a pedo monk who ran a monastery in the middle of nowhere. He paid Gilbert £20 a year to keep Gwenllian imprisoned till she died 52 years later. Hence the plan was
1. Imprison Gwenllian
2. Accept money of King
3. ??????
4. Profit.
proving once and for all that you CAN combine business and pleasure.
