The local's guide to Christmas

Here, for your enjoyment, is the English guide to what people say at Christmas, and what they really mean.

• Hasn't this Christmas just dragged on this year? - I really shouldn't have put my lights up back in October.
• It's a great gift idea - It'll never sell at any other time.
• No officer, I've only had the one glass of sherry - Yous me fuggin' bes' mate *hic*
• Oh, look, a card from the neighbours - Those bastards still have my lawn mower.
• Yes, of course John will want to play with a radio controlled helicopter - It's me who enjoys all these toys.
• (one just for Wales) The prospects of a white Christmas are looking good - It's going to rain.
• What's your bet on the Christmas number one this year? - I don't give a toss. Just bring back Slade.

Got any more?