If Easter took place today

I got thinking, what would have happened if Jesus had arrived 2000 years later, and the goings on of some 2 millennia ago if they happened today.

Jesus decides he's going to take all His mates out for a lamb curry, where He shares out poppadoms and a pitcher of lager. This follows 40 days where all His mates have been sober and not had any beer at all. The following day they all called in sick with stinking hangovers, and all had lazy days staying in bed until they felt good, or at least better.

He'd recently been found guilty of pissing off the council officials, and after numerous warnings sent through the post, He was reprimanded, receiving 20 hours of community service in the Garden of Gethsemane and a £100 fine. His mates however, all rallied round and chipped in to pay the fine, and afterwards on the Friday night, they all ended up down the pub where they got Him drunker then ever. On the way home, His mates thought it would be funny to tie Him to a lamppost on top of a hill for all to see, with the obligatory L-plate tied to his baby bits. He then fell asleep. They then thought it would be even funnier to shove him down a manhole, where they shut Him in. He then slumbered on for the next two days, and when His mates (in a now sober state) started to worry that they hadn't seen him, they went and checked on the manhole and He'd gone. He'd woken up and realised what sods they'd been to Him and wanted to see if they would return. They did, and then all pigged out on chocolate which made them all ill again meaning they all took another day off work on the Monday.