Back by popular demand, the beginner's guides

For your entertainment, a new series of beginner's guides. This time, helping you do everyday things that you've never done before. This week, using Windows and translating what the manual says to what you should really do.

• "Ctrl - Alt - Del"; Swear a lot, press keys more firmly, swear a bit more, lose your rag, unplug the PC in a fit of temper before stifling the incredible urge to throw it out of the window.
• "Insert CD"; Put disc into drive, wait patiently whilst it makes a noise like a fan, then when it does nothing try to open it yourself. Take out disc, look at back, wipe it on your t-shirt, put it back in, wait for fan again. Swear, throw disc around room, order new disc from Amazon.
• "Check password and try again"; Retype password. Retype Password deliberately. Retype password saying each letter out loud, whilst pressing each key with enough force to almost break keyboard. Retype other password you haven't used for years, just in case. Get out little black book with passwords. Check other password you might have forgotten. Realise Vista has crashed again. Swear. Lose all your photos.
• "Windows Compatible"; except for Windows 3.11, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows NT, Windows 2000, Windows XP Home edition, Windows XP Professional, Windows XP X64 edition, Windows Vista Home Basic, Windows Vista Home Premium, Windows Vista Business, Windows Vista Ultimate. Get Linux.
• "Unable to communicate with Printer"; Click print again. Look at Printer. Check Printer's on. Check Paper. Check cat hasn't eaten cable. Take out paper from printer. Reinsert paper into printer. Click Print again. Open window that says what's printing. Delete list of 20 pages that are now waiting to print. Check cartridge, throw cartridge across room. Buy new printer.