The beginner's guide to Restaurants

About to go out for a meal? Fancy a quick bite at the local fast food emporium, or an evening of thoroughly pleasant company (Bertie) whilst enjoying culinary heaven? Here is your guide to the blurb on restaurants, and what they really mean.

• Child friendly - An addition on the menu to include burgers/fishfingers/chicken nuggets, but in miniscule portion sizes.
• Prepared by a top London chef - Once worked at Streatham McDonalds
• Vegetarian option available - Omelette
• Service is not included - So don't expect a smile for free pal.
• Home made - Made by the chef in huge bulk, and frozen for months at a time.
• Catch of the day - Catch of a day in the middle of last week.
• Tender/Juicy - As opposed to chewy or dried out.
• Coq au van/Duck a l'orange - Something really plain and boring made to sound exotic by being French. What next? "Beuf de le Calais?"