King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Thursday, January 10

On walking the bad line.

So, early yesterday morning, I trod (as you do) on the pooch's hair brush. It hurt, but not so much as to make me cry out. I actually heard myself say "coulda been worse. Coulda been a lego block." So, what about if you have a scale of 1 to 10 for severity of things to step on. Maybe you could elaborate on the list below...
  1. A plug. Not the sort you stop water with in the bath, but the one that makes your TV work. That goddamn earth pin hurts!
  2. Lego. Those little blocks of plastic with 90 degree corners can dig so deep they go to the core. And Lego Technics, don't get me started on Lego Technics!
  3. Glass shards. You know when you break a glass in the kitchen. No matter how scrupulous you are with dustpan and brush, hoover and wet cloth, you still find the glass with your bare foot, and no matter how good your eyesight is, you cannot find the offending article for an hour afterwards.
  4. Gripperrod. The stuff used to hold down carpets. The house in Wales had this on each and every step, and meant you strayed off the centre of each stair at your peril.
  5. Hot sand. There you are, on the beach in some heaven sent paradise found, and you want a paddle in the sea. Just make sure you have your flip flips (thongs, for Aussies) handy.
  6. A drawing pin. The favourite of Tom and Jerry cartoons isn't as highly ranked as you'd think. If you've ever been unfortunate to implant that stray tack after removing the Christmas decorations, you'll know what I mean.
  7. Nettles. They're related to mint, did you know that? All I know is they sting like hell and the white lumps caused by the rash get bigger if you scratch them.
  8. The dog's hairbrush. It was almost therapeutic, the way the metal teeth moved to one side and massaged the sole of your foot.
  9. A bank or credit card. I did this last year, and the pain of hearing the card snap in your post wake up, need-to-pee stagger to the loo in the morning, your heart just sinks.
  10. Poo. Be it cat, dog, human or monkey, you know that if you are either barefoot, socked or shoed, that smell that will be hitting your nostrils 10 seconds later will be more offensive than Jim Davidson's latest black joke and will have you yacking like Sid James with whooping cough.