King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Friday, April 29

The dummies guide to becoming a politician

Now I'm not going to bore you all with politics. I think what I ought to do is point out some of the policies all parties employ, and then allow you to make your own decision as to which one is more crooked then the next.


All children must improve their scores in school, by consistantly having to do tests. Over the course of their school life, this will mean that any weakness can be stamped out.
What this really means
Any problem child can be identified, and removed form the system, before his/her score lowers the overall average.


Waiting lists will be cut to meet certain standards throughout the NHS.
What this really means
People with *real* illnesses will get seen later or not at all, removing them from statistics. People wishing to sign on the sick will get seen quickly and efficiently lowering the average time for a problem to be solved, and making the NHS smell of roses.


More will be done to effectively get people back into work. The existing unemployed will be retrained to find new careers, and long term unemployed will become a thing of the past. The minimum wage will be increased.
What this really means
The working week will be reduced from 40 hours a week to 16, meaning for every old job requiring one person now 2.5 people will be required. If you work more then 16 hours a week, you cannot claim benefits of any sort, meaning that effectively the national average wage will drop to 40% what it was originally. The minimum wage will not apply to most people, because in the desperate attempt to make up a salary to pay the bills, most people will take "cash in hand" jobs. In the meantime, those in benefits will be pestered, nay, bullied into taking training in Computers. A market saturated since the early 1990s.

We will continue our commitment to lowering pollution by offering more incentives to people to use public transport.
What this really means
We will tax the fuck out of fuel, and then tax the car owner as well. We would love to offer public transport, but in reality we disowned that policy when we privatised all public transport back in the 80s. We don't give a toss if you have to wait for 5 hours for a bus, and have to change 3 times to do a 10 mile journey and taking 3 hours.

Come on then politicians. Prove me wrong...