King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Thursday, June 15

The diary of an Englishman in the Highlands.

With all the hot weather, how about a post about Scottish winters.
DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on
the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering
as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and
bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the
first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and
waved. I waved back and shoveled it away again. The children next door
built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a
snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a
couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped
to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much
of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our
cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing
to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree
burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking
deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th

Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every
article of clothing just to go to the post box the little cunts next door
ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far
up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I
ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest
and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down
the street like Michael "fucking" Schumacher and buries the fucking driveway

JAN 17th

16 more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and
god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months
time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my
fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking
snow forecast