On being wired up

Today I feel like a cyborg. I have spent the morning in Brecon War Memorial Hospital, where I have been wired to what feels like the national grid. I have 5 sensors around my torso, and a box the size of a packet of cigarettes with it's own little holdall and strap all under my t-shirt. Now I'm not completely sure, but on the way home I think I heard Radio 2 coming from my left nipple and when I walk past my keys they turned and moved towards my belly button. I also noticed that my mobile phone signal isn't so hot unless it's in my groin and that I can now type without even touching the keys. I would like to go for a kip in the garden this afternoon, but knowing my luck a local typhoon pilot would get lock on and fire a heatseeker making my piles a thing of beauty as they're spread across the local valley.