The beginner's guide to automotive breakdowns

Following on from my experiences of 3 cars breaking in a week, 2 fatally, I have compiled a beginner's guide to breakdowns.

• Certainly sir, we'll get someone to you within the hour. - Of course we'll send someone, just after he's eaten his tea, had a kip, found his keys and finished watching the One Show.
• Ooh that looks expensive. - Time for a new car.
• You should change your timing belt every 60,000 miles - Just don't blame us if it snaps before.
• Your timing belt's snapped - Time for a new car.
• Where are we going today? - Where would you like to go, but only after I've found you another driver, called him out, met him at our main depot, handed over to him, and then he'll drive you home.
• Do you have a recovery company? - Would you like to meet our extensive network of dodgy mechanics with black fingernails and battered old flat bed recovery vehicles.
• Where are you sir? - What was the last thing you saw of any significance before your car started to belch smoke and made a nasty whining noise. Forget that, and then remember something really irrelevant like a hump back bridge or a pub that had been closed for months.
• We can repair your car for a reasonable fee - Time for a new car.