King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Friday, November 16

Family Fortunes

This is a TV programme, better known stateside as Family Feud. If you haven't seen it, then life in a bubble must be hard because the series has been around for almost 30 years. The 2 families taking part take it in turns to guess at answers to obvious questions. Another conversation with my father led to some of the answers I've heard in the past. Some of the answers are a little suspect, some are logical, if not obvious, and some are just down right daft. So here are some of my favourites.

Something you lose when you get older:
"Your purse" (Yup, that makes sense.)

A sport which involves throwing something:
"Tennis" (So does that)

A type of bean:
"Lesbian" (As answered by an old has-bean)

Something you would play with in the bath:
"A bazooka" (?)

Someone you wouldn't swear in front of:
"Yourself" (How do you get in front of yourself?)

Someone or something whose existence has never been proven:
"Hitler" (I think we can prove otherwise)

A number you might have to memorise:
"Seven" (right after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6)

Something that makes you close your eyes:
"Dark" (No... not after you close your eyes)

A way of toasting someone:
"Over a fire" (slowly, with a spit)

An instrument you can play while walking in the street:
"A cello" (now that I HAVE to see)

A slang word for a girl:
"Slag" (He must be from Essex)

An animal with horns:
"A bee" (?)

A medieval weapon:
"Hand-grenade" ("and though shalt take thy holy hand grenade...")

Something made of wool:
"A sheep" (phwoar)

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club:
"Animals" (Oh I dunno, depends on how much you pay)

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket:
"A magnifying glass" (for those really small trains)

A way to prevent snoring:
"Put a pillow over his face" (that'll work, but I don't think it'll help your defence)

Someone who works early hours:
"A burglar" (He was just helping me with the snoring)

A reason for kneeling:
"To be beheaded" (perhaps so you can swear in front of yourself)

A famous Dick:
"Carrot" (I think we can guess where that one's going, or should that be bean?)

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house:
"Feeds your pets" (well, that'll explain the milk being drunk)

Something that comes in 7's:
"Fingers" (Perhaps it was the Tudors playing)

A yellow fruit:
"Orange" (when covered in yellow paint, I know I know)

An animal beginning with B:
"Bullfrog" (Probably not one of the more popular answers)

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme:
"Little Red Riding Hood" (where does it say she's a girl?)

Something associated with Queen Victoria:
"Her husbands" (she had more then one???)

A place you would keep a pen:
"A zoo" (don't forget to get Father Christmas to feed them)

Something you beat:
"An apple" (beats toasting it.)

Something associated with rain:
"Water" (must have been welsh)

An animal that lives in the English countryside:
"A lion" (Only when it escapes from a pen in the zoo)

Something a Frenchman would say Answer:
"En Garde" (or En Strike)

Something a policeman might say:
"Spread 'em" (especially in Essex)

A non-living object with legs:
"A plant" (erm...)

Something you do on water:
"Wallpaper" (So does that mean you decorate with a Jet ski?)

A seaside resort on the south coast:
"Rio de Janeiro" (They didn't say which south coast)

Something you open other than a door:
"Your bowels" (Talking shit again)

Something people might be allergic to:
"Skiing" ("when I fall over I find my bones break. I must be allergic to skis)

An occupation where you need a torch:
"A burglar" (so you can find the pillow)

A dangerous race:
"The Arabs" (no comment)

A jacket potato topping:
"Jam" (Eugh)

A part of the body you have more than two of:
"Arms" (Is that when you take a bazooka into the bath?)

An animal you see at the zoo:
"Dog" (Following Father Christmas from his pen)

A famous Arthur:
"Shakespeare" (William's long lost brother)

A weapon in the game of Cluedo:
"Dice" (death by double 6)

Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him:
"His name" (it never stopped my father)

A bird with a long neck:
"Naomi Campbell" (She should be kept in a zoo.)

An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man:
"Underpants" (not mine, they're chewy)

Something you keep in a garden shed:
"A gardener" (It depends if he snored or not)

Something you wear on the beach:
"A deckchair" (I've fallen through one, does that count?)

A famous Scotsman:
"Vinnie Jones" (that'll explain the violent tendencies)

Something red:
"My cardigan" (What are the chances of the public guessing that)

Something a blind man might use:
"A sword" (especially a French man)

Something people take to the beach:
"Turkey" (?)

And my all time favourite

Something that flies without an engine:
"A bicycle with wings" (well of course)