"Do as I say, not as I do."

Here, for your delectation, are some of the things my father says on a regular basis, and what they really mean. (My father knows this is coming, and no offence is intended...)

• "I had to go to the stores for some essential supplies" - Translates as "Beer run."
  
• "She was about 22, blonde, and had legs up to her chin" - Translates as "About 50, divorced, tattooed, and someone who wouldn't kick me out of bed."
• "I walked to the bank" - Translates as "I drove to the bank"
  
• "He was asking for it. If he'd not been careful I could have hurt him." Translates as "The fucker broke my nose"
• "I needed the fresh air, so I walked home from the bar" - Translates as "The local cop was outside, so I decided not to drive home from the bar"
  
• "She asked me if I'd like to fuck" - Translates as "She asked me if I'd like to fuck off."
• "So I stood up to him. I told him to shut the fuck up." - Translates as "I stayed quiet, and discretely gave him a dirty look."
• "I once sat next to Joan Collins on a Transatlantic flight." - Translates as "I once read a Jackie Collins on a Transatlantic flight."
• "She was all over me, and wouldn't leave me alone." - Translates as "I had a wet dream about her."
• "I'm going to get broadband working properly when I get over there, or I'll sue BT." - Translates as "I haven't a clue how to get broadband working over there, so I'll blame everyone, including BT."
• "He was driving like a nutter, and went straight into the back of me." - Translates as "I was in reverse, and didn't see him." *cough*