King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Thursday, July 17

And now, something completely different...

BLS has asked me to blog a recipe. Yes, I know, I assured her you 'orrible lot wouldn't be interested, but she insisted (like she does). I will, of course, do it in my own inimitable style though.

The Rikaitch's World Famous Lasagne. (not suitable for vegetarians, vegans, cheese eaters or generally fat people). Serves 4, unless you make the portions really small, in which case it'll serve 3032.

4 medium sized eggs. (do these come from medium sized chickens?)
400g (14 oz) of plain flour
400g (see above) of grated cheddar cheese
1 x 200g tub of Cheese Spread (Dairylea seems to work best)
284ml (half a pint, and lets face it, you'll need a pint after making this) of milk
1kg (2.2lbs) of mince
400g (see above above) of bacon or two gammon steaks, chopped into squares
2 tins of chopped tomatoes (to be really lazy)
2 medium sized onions (just to annoy my father)
1 clove of garlic (to annoy him even further)
1 tsp of tomato puree
1 glass of red wine (but keep the rest of the bottle, waste not want not)
Worcester Sauce, Tabasco Sauce (in fact any kind of sauce, but not sure strawberry sauce is such a good idea)
A medium sized baking dish
A working oven set to about 180'c (about 350'F, or gas mark 4)

Crack open the wine, and have a glass.
Sieve the flour into a large bowl, and add the four eggs. Mix until a dough, and then kneed for about 5 minutes by hand. Get husband/wife/dog/baby to take over because your arms have gone into cramp. Beat seven shades of crap out of the dough using a rolling pin. Then roll out the dough into 6 flat sheets about half the size of the baking dish. Fold and repeat until the dough looks one consistent colour. Lay finished sheets onto clingfilm and leave in a warm place (Florida would be good.)

Using a small saucepan, warm the milk until it's about 70'c (about 160'F) and then scoop out the cheese spread into teaspoon sized lumps and drop into the milk, and stir gently. Brown the mince in a large saucepan or frying pan, but don't add any oil. Have another glass of wine. As the mince is browned, add the finely chopped onion, and bacon or gammon. Add the Worcester sauce at this point, normally a good splash should do, but I find the red wine is now kicking in, and I add too much. This is a good thing. Return to the cheese sauce, and add half of the grated cheddar cheese, and a splash of tabasco. Leave to simmer and thicken up (the cheese, not you, silly!). Take the tomatoes, puree, garlic, red wine (if there's any left. if not, send someone to get more), and another 3 or 4 drops of tabasco into a bowl and blend into a thick liquid. Add this to the
mince (which by the way is really tasty without anything at this point), and then leave to simmer for another 20 minutes. Have another glass of wine.

Lightly grease a medium sized rectangular baking dish, and then start to layer the actual lasagne. Start with a layer of half of the mince, then a couple of sheets of the now dry pasta side by side. then the half the cheese sauce, another layer of pasta, the rest of the mince, more pasta, and finally the rest of the cheese sauce, but topped with the rest of the grated cheese. Slam in the oven for about 45 minutes, have a glass of wine or send out for supplies, and then serve on a plate with a couple of slices of crusty garlic bread (just to annoy my father).

Sit back and feel that you've eaten too much (not obligatory, but I always seem to.) Regret the garlic the following day with the worst garlic breath.