King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Friday, March 13

Gratuitous swearing day.

In this modern world we'd have a large list of deitys that we'd worship much like the ancient Greeks and Romans. This got me thinking recently that what would they be the gods of, and here are my conclusions.

The father figure of all the Gods, much like Zeus, he looks over everything. This would be why when something breaks, it is either 'fucked' or it's 'fucked up.' He has control over everything he looks down upon and this is why, when we care about something, we 'give a fuck.' Most of all, when something has gone well however, we 'thank fuck' for it.

The modern God of love, who deals with everything to do with matters of the heart. This is probably my father's favourite God, because he does everything according to his 'cock.' The God of love can also step in at inopportune moments, not always associated with love, but normally with such affection. These are the moments that we all consider 'cocked up."

The God of war. Brimming with testosterone, he (it had to be a he, didn't it?) he shows great aggression towards his adversaries. This will be why when you get frustrated, you pray to him to give you inner strength, normally with the cry "Oh bollocks." Of course, being a man, he also sometimes says the wrong thing, which is why sometimes people say that someone is "talking bollocks."

The God of the antipodes/lager. Right hand man to Bollocks, this meagre God is always there to finish off whatever Bollocks didn't want to do. It is for this reason that we pray to him for the same things as Bollocks, but without the aggression. Like when you stub your toe, and say "Oh bugger," because the aggression would just make it worse. Bugger can also be mischievous and cause things to break, which is why you'll sometimes 'bugger' something.

The God of relief. The day of worship is normally a Saturday, where people all over the world take up praying at the altar in the toilets. This is normally assisted by large amounts of alcohol, and Piss returns the worship by allowing free flow of relief. Sometimes you can need relief, and exclamation requiring the knowledge of the negative effect of this relief is along the lines of being "Pissed off." Of course, the 'merkins don't understand things negative, so they consider themselves to be "pissed," which is of course when you are at the point of extreme relief and very happy.

The God of all things backward/Men. Sometimes this is mistakenly pronounced like a donkey, but this is believed to be because the God is making fun of those that can't pronounce it correctly. Arse is famous for being in the way of things, and this is known to cause great pain to him (again, it had to be male, didn't it?). Sometimes he lets his lazy influence cause great lethargy over his subjects, meaning they sit around on their 'fat arses.' Also, they can be too lazy to think about what they are saying, meaning they are 'talking out of their arse.' To remove this feeling of lethargy, the best remedy is to 'kick them up the arse.'