BLS's Guest Post

On Tuesday this week I turned the big FOUR ZERO. It got me reminiscing and then thinking about a subject for Broski’s Blog. I came up with this brilliant idea – 40 silly [stupid] things Broski has done during his shorter [by two years] life on this planet. There are many more, but I don’t want to overbore ye all. Broski, I know you said to not spill too many beans. Sorry… (tee hee). Some of the following may already have been blogged by Mr. Aitch.
1. Being born as my brother (!)
2. While young, admitting to people he was my Broski!
3. Sticking his finger in a real coal fire aged one, on the advice of his [bossy…ish] three year old BLS. Dumb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Allowing his finger to get shut [don’t try this at home] in a fold-up lawn chair [thus creating Iots and lots of spraying blood], and then screaming and becoming quiet upon BLS’s request [as I didn’t want to get into trouble… again…]
5. Allowing BLS to “translate” for him for the first four years of his life [I didn’t understand him either, but always replied with what I wanted!]
6. Getting me pulled out of infant classes to sit with him in the assistant’s office while awaiting our mother’s arrival. Why? So she could “take care” of his poop-filled pants. Yucky!
7. Sticking a dart in my Chopper bike – that was mean. I discovered he was the culprit by using the method in #17
8. Selling my skateboard without my knowledge; again I found out using #17
9. Breaking into my “secret” diary that was completely secure [I thought!] with lock and key. He just cut through the cardboard connector from the lock to the diary!
10. Burning his bum and pubic hair while trying to light a fart
11. Telling me about #10 [“Radio BLS” now in action]
12. Getting his wiener caught in his zipper… I don’t think he, or our Dad – the Superman wiener unzipper, ever mentally recovered from this traumatic and messy experience [I’ve heard of less painful ways to be circumcised]
13. Getting stung several times on his buttox by a feisty/brave wasp that he “trapped” in the toilet with the afore mentioned buttox
14. Lying on his stomach, naked, while recovering from #13. I don’t think I’ve ever been so popular; all my friends wanted to come to our house to see his sorry, welted buttox!
15. Pooing in the bath that we’d share every night [just before Crossroads or Coronation Street]. He would then float the offending “Mars Bar” in my direction
16. In restaurants, eating the glass containing his beverage [he was too young for beer at this point, so alcoholic was not an excuse]. I swear this is true; our family would be sitting talking, and would suddenly hear the crunch of glass! Nutter!!!
17. Talking in his sleep and honestly answering my questions [it took him ages to figure out how I knew so many of his secrets!!]
18. Eating [and surviving!] the poisoned ivy sandwich I made him – aged c. seven years old
19. Drinking a [BLS made-up] concoction of milk and blackcurrant concentrate that, being the loving older sister, Broski accepted with gratitude. And yes, this one did make him barf!!!
20. While playing “run in front of the moving swing without getting hit in the face”, aiding and abetting in getting me “hit”. I can still taste the blood and hear Broski’s evil laugh…
21. Threatening to snitch on my BFF, Cynthia, and me for secretly smoking cigarettes at the end of our street [aged 15]. We were able to bribe him into silence with cigarettes for him and his buddies.
22. Crashing into the back of my car on his motorcycle when I was visiting him from where I was living in Italy
23. Telling my first serious boyfriend, Chris, all my embarrassing secrets
24. Breaking into his school during the school holidays (you’d think he would have wanted a break from the place!)
25. Setting off a fire extinguisher once he’d done #24. I asked what the copper said when he showed up… “you’re nicked”!!! Original huh?!
26. Letting me rent a room in his ex-landlord’s house. Bad news – this was a person whose hobbies included watching Baywatch surrounded by Kleenex tissues. Eeeeeeee-oooooooo!
27. Telling anyone and everyone that my feet stink… They did as a teenager, and I was very sensitive about the subject [they don’t stink now]
28. Giving me a good thrashing after I [accidentally] whacked him in the goolies. It was hilarious watching him writhe in pain on the floor… until he was able to get up… Ouch!
29. Laughing with great joy every time I barfed in the family car
30. Deflating a tyre on a Honda Silver Wing that belonged to his Burton’s part-time job Manager . For some reason he still remained employed after that
31. Sitting outside a local hotel pub (The Queen’s Hotel), late at night, with a Beebe gun hidden under his jacket. Copper: “what are you doing?”; Broski: “I’m taking a rest before walking the rest of the way home”. DOH!! And yes, they did not believe him!
32. Continuing in our father’s footsteps of buying cars that are better off being laid to rest in car heaven
33. Taking electronic items apart… just because, and failing to get them working again. Fortunately he has got better at this, so all ye computer peeps who have allowed Broski to “fix” your machines can breathe a sigh of relief!!
34. Getting Dad in hot water with the local Constabulary after “borrowing” a motorbike [belonging to the owners of the house that Dad rented]. When the coppers were asking Broski to see his license and insurance details it became apparent that he had none. Poor Dad had to take the flack [i.e. paying lots of fines] on that one!
35. Going with Dad and encouraging him to speed in Dad’s new car (an Astra nicknamed “Fox”) on the M25. Boys with their toys… Was that speeding ticket worth it Dad?!
36. Whilst visiting our dad in Stockholm, covering his lasagna with sugar instead of Parmesan in a very expensive restaurant. Dad was not impressed and told Broski to stop being a wimp, to scrape off the sugar and eat the remaining lasagna. To his credit, Broski did!!
37. And finally, for those of you who have been brave/bored enough to read this far!... Allowing me to post something on his blog!!! Loves ya Broski! (honest!!!). Get well soon. BLS xxx (I’m 3 short of 40; I thought I would leave those 3 blank for readers suggestions)