King of Excellent (according to Scaryduck)

Monday, March 14

On a mental judgemental judge

There are three types of people in this world. Right at the bottom, with the brain capacity of an amoeba, are the regular visitors to Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer. If it's Jeremy Kyle, you know it's going to be some toothless mother in law, complaining about the paternity of her son in law, after he got caught masturbating with the toaster. They're all from a council estate outside Doncaster, they all believe that Jeremy's going to help them, and it'll all end in tears. Or there's Jerry Springer. Dwayne from Alabama has been caught shagging his sister in law after his wife was found doing unnatural things to their pet gator. They end up shouting at each other, and eventually the wife and her sister undress and get into a punch up with the security staff. Ok, so we know how bad these programmes are. So, let's skip these people and move slightly higher up the ladder.
The next group of people are fortunate enough to have an IQ in double figures, but only just. They've been blessed with just enough of a modicum of intelligence to realise they can sue their begrudged argumentee. But this means that they have to appear in court, and that's where Judge Judy comes in. There seem to be three recurring cases on this program.
  • The man who's suing the woman for the cost of his belongings after she's kicked him out when he's beaten her up/got incarcerated/had an affair.
  • The person who's suing some poor man or woman for her car windscreen/tyres/bodywork after he/she dented it with their head when they were run over by the plaintiff.
  • The son/daughter who's suing the mother for looking after them/their children and the emotional turmoil involved.
Judge Judy is fair. She listen to each case objectively, she even makes them look more intelligent than they are. She is entertained with the trail of witnesses who "heard the person cursing at me over the phone and they'll testify to that." She also gets to see a small rainforest's worth of unrealistic quotes for repairs to property in the hope the plaintiffs get the money back. You know the sort of thing, "The windscreen on my car was a special windscreen, designed to pick up small roadkill, gut it and cook it ready for my dinner. Here's my quote for a replacement at $30,000." But the best cases are the family cases. She was a family court judge in New York before she made it to Hollywood, and so this is the section of law she knows best. You get some spoilt brat who's 19, and is struggling with her 5th child. Her mother has done the human thing and takes some of the strain for her unappreciative offspring by bringing up some of her other children as best she can. Now the daughter has married someone just released from prison, and has a job in a Burger joint, and wants all the children back together, so she's suing the mother for the rights to get the child back. It's all so commonplace, even Byrd the Bailiff stands there looking bored as Judy grills both of them as to what's best for the child. Oh, Byrd the Bailiff. What a character. Judy rarely talks to him, but when she does, you just know it's comedy gold. The best clip I've seen is where she's looking at some CD cases (the CDs themselves had been destroyed), and mentions the names. Some are, in her words, "less than desirable" but when it comes to Destiny's Child she asks Byrd "Do you know these girls? They look wholesome." Byrd confirms her questions in his usual dry way "Yes Ma'am" before continuing to look nonchalant from his post. She makes her judgement or dismisses it, and then Byrd takes them outside where they talk to the camera and say what they thought of the judgement. Normally something along the lines of "he's lying," followed by "no, she's lying."
And what about the third type of people? Us, normal people, who get on with life without fighting and without dragging our dirty laundry through a televised court.